Last week I was very lucky to be in a position to have a voice. I spoke and some people listened. That’s a very privileged position to be in and its also quite daunting. What if what I have to say isn’t very interesting? What if people disagree with me? How about – and this is worse than ever, a nightmare -if they think its all a nonsense and I should go away and shut up?
There are days like today when I feel really tired. I feel as though I have been working to have a voice all my life and when I finally have a platform to use it I am overwhelmed with insecurities about what my voice is worth. For a long while now I have worked in positions where my voice is my tool of trade whether its in a verbal or written form. It forms the essence of who people think I am. On reflection of my voices outings I find I am informed about what I am prioritising in life even when I didn’t realise it, and very often with hindsight I can hear myself being far from where I wanted to be.
But the beauty of the voice lays right there – in its intimacy, in its ability to be in the present and just in the present. Even when later you wish the present had been a bit different your voices imprint is a creating a catalogue of what you were thinking at the time – like it or not. It puts your innermost thoughts, and at times your most superficial ones, out in the open for others to hear, that is if your lucky. Then it can take on a form all its own, out of your control, as that now public part of you is scrutinised, edited, analysed and relayed to unkown spaces in all manner of corrupt forms. You cant give a more intimate gift than your voice.
I’ve also been listening to the gifts of some voices. During the past few days I’ve listened to Lieutenant Colonel Cate McGregor speak about her experiences transitioning from the gender role of male to female. Her story made me think about how we should allow the remarkable to become unremarkable. The issue of voicing ones gender is at the same time an intimate and public affair. This is the private being political in the most confronting way. Rather than being about what we do to express our sense of self it is about just ‘being‘.And then letting others observe and make something of that. How very personal that is. What a political statement that makes. How incredibly brave are we that every day we display to the world our gender and let others make judgements about it. Not really a problem if your conforming to the norms of your society – you probably go unnoticed in the daily hoohaa of life. Of course if you have a slightly different story though you might find your very personal expression of your gender becoming a political tool for society to debate what is acceptable and what isn’t. You might find yourself on the one had a subject of criticism or on the other a symbol of freedom. Just for being you. Cate McGregor has done some rather remarkable things including stick it out in the Australian Defence Forces under what must have been at times deeply harrowing and wearisome given the problematic culture of gender discrimination that has pervaded the forces. She admits she has been subject to criticism for being brave enough to be herself. But she is also now that most important symbol of freedom to others who feel trapped by the judgements of others. Cate has done something incredibly important for our children. She has become Cate. Herself. She has taught them that is a grand thing to do. I admire her for it and am in her debt as a parent, grandparent and aunt. Thanks Cate.
Right now I am listening to the voice a various women from Papua. I am editing a good friends writings about the women of her tribe and neighbouring tribes, and am eternally humbled to be immersed in such a wonderful moment. I am acutley aware that by using my editing skills I now take on the role of the scrutineer, the analyser, the editor, and relayer of the voices of these women. My own voice needs to be quiet now. To listen and most importantly to listen in all the right places. To hear with clarity and to care about the intimate gesture of the women in putting their voices forward. I pay homage to their bravery and honor their trust.
This past week though I too used my voice and told my peers what is important to me. And some people listened. Thank you to those people – what a wonderful thing it is that you do.
purplescones 